I am writing to you because it seems like you are one of the few people i have left that i want help from. Yes i know beggars cant be choosers but im in an odd position in life in which i only want help from specific people, and oddly enough its those specific people that just simply don't care enough in the first place. So i figured i might as well give you a shot. Honestly life isnt great at all to me, i miss being able to see it as a beautifull place where everything is just gorgeous. but now i just see it in bitter eyes that dont understand why people are being happy. I'm working pretty hard at trying to stay alive, i wish my mom and teachers and friends understood that i too am a human being. I have an F in my math, science, and art classes at the moment which is quite troublesome. I just have no motivation left in me and i think its because i no longer have a self worth, or very much of one anyways, Felipe said that wasnt a very healthy mindset, and i still dont understand why, or even how to fix that. Im watching my life literally fall out from under me even tho i have the controls, but i dont do anything at all.... and i cant figure out why exactly that is. My art is improving however im not drawing as much as i wish i was. I really dont do anything at all anymore. i don't even listen to music as often as i used to, then again i cant find my headphones. Help me figure out why i am just the way i am.
I did go on a friends with benefits date thing with john last night too. which was frustrating, i cant figure out how to be myself while with people i dont really know. I really just wish i could be myself around him, because he actually is an awesome person and i dont understand why being myself is so damn hard. Mikaela his best friend and my friend too is a sweetheart she was with us yesterday, and then it became time for bed. and mikaela was in the middle e_e sooo no cuddling for me... UNTILL i engaged into conversation (which was a good convo btw) with john and eventually i said "you can say no to this but, do you... kinda sorta wanna cuddle?" and he asked me if i wanted to be big spoon or little spoon and i said little spoon and thus i transformed into the little tall bottom spoon i am, literally after 3 seconds of spooning i asked "soooo are we gonna do stuff or???" and then he laughed and said "oh my god, fine we can do stuff" long story short we had an intimate night if you catch my drift. which was sorta well needed. I was able to escape my suicidal teenage angsty mindset for a few hours just to wake up the next morning with the same problems as before (shocker right?).
well noone, as i started talking to you more i became more comfortable in talking to you, hopefully we can do this again someday.